“I don’t believe in magic”

by peacockpower

Sometimes I feel really silly.  Actually, most of the time I feel silly.  Like a walking contradiction.  I change so frequently, half of the time I have no idea who I am.
My mood dictates whether I am outgoing or anti-social (though I almost always prefer the latter).  I rely on alcohol to overcome that… shhhh!

There was a phase of me that hardly ever drank.  When a 6-pack would stay in my fridge for months (say whaaaat?).
That was the phase when I thought a lot about alcoholism running in my family, that I should keep a check on that.
But life is short, right?  How short is it?  Hell if I know.  Probably too short.

There for a while I tried to be really “spiritual”.
I wore my mala beads and would rub them sometimes while I taught a meditation class for a month or two year before last.
Then I was a “hip” yoga teacher.
I bought funky yoga clothes and fantasized about buying crystals and sacred stones.  I’d play really fun and funky music in my classes, stuff today that drives me nuts when I try to pick a playlist.
Having full moon meditations, and doing 108 sun salutations on solstices.  Ya know, maybe in a place where people would actually show up for that sort of thing.
Then I started really looking into all of the crystal jewelery and sacred stones and thought, “$250 for a bracelet? Fuck your crystals, brah. They can suck my imaginary stones.”
Before that I would only play A-typical yoga music; i.e. mantras, lots of sitar and stuff (which I do still enjoy, mostly).
I started using a singing bowl to bring students out of Savasana.
I rather liked that phase of me.  I incorporated mantras and mudras into my classes.
Yes, yes.  I rather liked that phase of me.

Am I bitter?  Probably.  Do I tend to only write when I’m bitter (and kind of drunk), hell yes.  So?  Did I tell you about my phase when I pretended to never be bitter?  When I would just push. that. shit. down.  Eat it.  I like bitter foods and bitter drinks, I can eat bitter feelings.  I’m skilled at such.

I’m not saying the folks who do all of the above things are wrong.  Why would I try to emulate them if I didn’t perceive the value in it – the clarity, the bliss?  Ah, but whatever it is that is me always comes back.  I still haven’t figured out who me is.  Perhaps I never will?  Or maybe I am all of these different facets.  I am starting to see the quality in this shape-shifting-type-thing.  I have a very religious background, so dare I say it?  Might I be “all things to all people”?  HAHA!
But in all seriousness, it does make it easier to make friends; to see other people’s side to things.  Good grief, sometimes all I can do is see other people’s side to things and I have no idea what my opinion is or if I even have one.
*Sigh* these things I know are sure:
I’m honest with people.
I’m kind to people, creatures of all sorts.  At times ridiculously so, whatever that might mean.
My empathy runs deep, always has.
I like making people and creatures comfortable and secure.

Yup.  That’s pretty much all I got.  Happy full blood harvest wolf mother moon.

P.S. I must not be the only one, because Dear John wrote a song about it.  That can’t be bad.

xx