“I don’t believe in magic”
Sometimes I feel really silly. Actually, most of the time I feel silly. Like a walking contradiction. I change so frequently, half of the time I have no idea who I am.
My mood dictates whether I am outgoing or anti-social (though I almost always prefer the latter). I rely on alcohol to overcome that… shhhh!
There was a phase of me that hardly ever drank. When a 6-pack would stay in my fridge for months (say whaaaat?).
That was the phase when I thought a lot about alcoholism running in my family, that I should keep a check on that.
But life is short, right? How short is it? Hell if I know. Probably too short.
There for a while I tried to be really “spiritual”.
I wore my mala beads and would rub them sometimes while I taught a meditation class for a month or two year before last.
Then I was a “hip” yoga teacher.
I bought funky yoga clothes and fantasized about buying crystals and sacred stones. I’d play really fun and funky music in my classes, stuff today that drives me nuts when I try to pick a playlist.
Having full moon meditations, and doing 108 sun salutations on solstices. Ya know, maybe in a place where people would actually show up for that sort of thing.
Then I started really looking into all of the crystal jewelery and sacred stones and thought, “$250 for a bracelet? Fuck your crystals, brah. They can suck my imaginary stones.”
Before that I would only play A-typical yoga music; i.e. mantras, lots of sitar and stuff (which I do still enjoy, mostly).
I started using a singing bowl to bring students out of Savasana.
I rather liked that phase of me. I incorporated mantras and mudras into my classes.
Yes, yes. I rather liked that phase of me.
Am I bitter? Probably. Do I tend to only write when I’m bitter (and kind of drunk), hell yes. So? Did I tell you about my phase when I pretended to never be bitter? When I would just push. that. shit. down. Eat it. I like bitter foods and bitter drinks, I can eat bitter feelings. I’m skilled at such.
I’m not saying the folks who do all of the above things are wrong. Why would I try to emulate them if I didn’t perceive the value in it – the clarity, the bliss? Ah, but whatever it is that is me always comes back. I still haven’t figured out who me is. Perhaps I never will? Or maybe I am all of these different facets. I am starting to see the quality in this shape-shifting-type-thing. I have a very religious background, so dare I say it? Might I be “all things to all people”? HAHA!
But in all seriousness, it does make it easier to make friends; to see other people’s side to things. Good grief, sometimes all I can do is see other people’s side to things and I have no idea what my opinion is or if I even have one.
*Sigh* these things I know are sure:
I’m honest with people.
I’m kind to people, creatures of all sorts. At times ridiculously so, whatever that might mean.
My empathy runs deep, always has.
I like making people and creatures comfortable and secure.
Yup. That’s pretty much all I got. Happy full blood harvest wolf mother moon.
P.S. I must not be the only one, because Dear John wrote a song about it. That can’t be bad.